The Cheat

Scene: A throne room. GOD is seated on a celestial throne. He is reading a report. Beams of light stream from behind him. To his left an angel plays a harp; to his right a twelve-person gospel choir sings.

Enter the Angel of Death. He is dressed all in black and carries a ledger under his arm.

GOD: Well?

AoD: Not this time. Not this time either.

GOD: Again? How many times does that make it?

AoD: Thirty four. Thirty four years, it’s been. Thirty four games, and I haven’t won a single one.

GOD: Obviously.

AoD: Obviously. You know, it wasn’t my idea, the whole chess game thing. I liked it better when I just turned up and tapped them on the shoulder. It was you that suggested -

GOD: Well, it works out just fine for almost everyone. Even Grand Masters, they feel like they’ve had a fair go, and they lose, and they come without a fuss. Everyone except him.

AoD: I think he might be cheating.

GOD: You can’t cheat at chess. It’s all there, right in the open, all the pieces.

AoD: Maybe he’s using some kind of magic.

GOD: Don’t come over all Harry Potter on me, D. There’s no such thing as magic.

AoD: Well, there’s some sort of trick. Something to do with bending time.

GOD: What do you mean, “bending time”?

AoD: Don’t ask me. You’re the one that lives in the Eternal Present. For me it’s all linear, one damn thing after another, until the end of time. But it might be a maths thing. He’s a mathematician, isn’t he?

GOD: (Nodding) He is...well, that would explain why he doesn’t look...what is it, a hundred and three?

AoD: (Consults ledger) A hundred and seven actually. I don’t think he’d have that girlfriend, if he looked a hundred and seven.

GOD: So what happens, when he bends time?

AoD: It feels just like a normal game of chess. I’m seeing like thirty moves ahead, which is enough to beat anyone, right? Only somehow the moves that I’m seeing ahead, they’ve...already happened. So I’m not seeing ahead at all, I’m seeing behind. And pieces that were taken, they’re back on the board again, in different positions.

GOD: Does he...could he just be sneaking them back on, when you’re not looking?

AoD: (Looks at GOD with an exasperated expression)

GOD: Sorry...I just asked.

AoD: And that’s not even the worst of it, not this time.

GOD: What?

AoD: Notice anything? Anything different about me?

GOD: Of course I do. I’m omniscient, I notice everything. Just give me a minute. Oh, where’s your scythe?

AoD: (Points at GOD) Bingo. We’re on the empty beach, and I’ve lost again, and I’m just about to get up and leave. And then he says, “Fancy another game? And just to make it interesting…”